All Categories

This NYE Resolve to be Realistic

12/31/2019

by Rebecca Johnson Osei, PsyD, ABPP
Concierge Psychology

The winter holidays are past. Gift wrapping has been thrown away, the tree is coming down, and left overs are long gone. The house has been cleaned. Now you can focus on YOU and what you want to accomplish this year. No pressure, right? Now you only have to commit to losing 20 pounds, going to the gym five times a week, eating healthier, drinking less coffee, lowering your blood pressure, cleaning out the basement, finally painting that room, and getting a promotion…

Before you set yourself up for failure, and the self-loathing and depression that is sure to follow, consider how realistic your goals are, and who you’re doing them for. Here are some tips to help you set realistic goals and accomplish them without stressing yourself out:

1. Decide why you are setting the goal.

Often times we feel pressured to do things we think will make other people happier or proud of us. Sometimes we just give in to general social pressure (women are expected to set goals to lose weight and be healthier). The problem with this is that if you aren’t doing it for you, you won’t be very motivated to do the hard work and follow through. Motivation is a major predictor of success: motivated people will try harder and push past barriers while unmotivated people are more apt to give up when things get tough. If you are making a healthy choice for someone else, try to find a way to truly embrace the change by focusing on how it will benefit you.

2. Only set a few goals for the year.

Life is already busy, and making changes takes work. Any new endeavor will take time to adjust to, and at first you might feel like there simply isn’t time in your schedule. This can also be a convenient excuse (I was going to go to the gym, but I had to pick up the kids and go to the grocery store, and by the time dinner was made I just didn’t have the energy!). The more goals you set, the harder it will be to find the time and energy to attend to those goals. It can also feel overwhelming having to remember everything you’re supposed to do.

3. Consider dividing your goals into smaller, sub-goals.

Setting a large goal like “losing 15 pounds” or “going to the gym five days a week” when you never went before can be daunting. Instead, set smaller goals, like losing two pounds a month, or getting to the gym at least twice a week. You’ll feel more accomplished as you hit ‘mile markers’ instead of spending all year working towards a large goal.

As seen in 40z Rock Magazine (https://issuu.com/40zrock/docs/40zrock_issue_5_new_f62be79b9c0eaa/24)

I did it! Now What?

10/18/2019

by Rebecca Johnson Osei, PsyD, ABPP
ConciergePsychology

You’ve worked hard to get where you are and you have the job, paycheck and mortgage to prove it. So
now what? The largest demographic that comes to my therapy office is successful men in their 40s.
They have great jobs, their own home, nice cars. Some have families or girlfriends. So why are they
coming to see me? It’s what I call the midlife triad: Stress; Anxiety; and Relationship issues.

The group currently coming into and traversing their 40s isn’t dealing with our father’s midlife crisis.
They aren’t running out to buy cars they can’t afford or leaving their wives for 22 year old exotic
dancers. People today often see 40 as only the beginning of their careers, and the middle if they are
lucky. But with this career focus comes a new problem: extreme stress and anxiety as a result of the
pressure to be successful at work. The 40 hour work week seems a distant memory as people work 50+
hours to secure a significant paycheck, and their social lives and emotional stability suffer for it.

When we stress at work, it invariably comes home with us. Relationships with significant others and
children begin to deteriorate as we bring home the stress of our jobs. People become more irritable,
spend less quality time with their families, and their sex lives suffer as a result. With little time for
cuddling, let alone intimacy, it can be very hard to be successful, happy, and 40. So how do you balance
the demands of the job with the demands of friends and family? Try turning off your email notifications
after a certain time; for most jobs, emails coming in after 9 pm can wait until tomorrow. Stop texting
when you’re with your significant other; if they aren’t significant enough to be with in person, their text
can probably wait. Most importantly: engage with your partner, listen, and share more with them than
just your stress at work. Changing the topic to something non-work related is not only good for your
relationship, but good for your mental health!

You’ve worked hard. Make time to ENJOY the benefits!

Buying Happiness

6/15/2019

by Rebecca Johnson Osei, PsyD, ABPP
Concierge Psychology

Psychology

Happiness and mental health - getting a good return on your investment.

Why do you work hard? To put food on the table? To care for yourself or your family? To keep the lights on? Are there any other reasons? What about that nice pair of shoes you’ve been eyeing or that flat screen television? Those who are lucky enough to earn enough to pay their bills and have some left over keep working and accumulating money – sometimes to build a safety net or nest egg, but often because we REALLY work to be able to earn the things that make us…happy?

You’ve heard the saying “money can’t buy happiness” and yet we keep trying to! Why do we seem so determined to find a way to link materials and happiness? Well, for one thing: that saying is wrong! Money CAN buy happiness, to a point. Research has found that increased funds also equals better/safer living conditions, improved health and healthcare, better nutrition and somewhat lower stress (less stress related to feeding, clothing, and keeping your family safe). But that’s where the correlation stops. Once our basic needs are met and we are relatively comfortable we no longer get happier as our bank accounts and pay checks get bigger.

It turns out happiness does have a price. Often, that price may actually mean working and making LESS. People with high stress, high-demand jobs show higher levels of work-related stress compared to those with less consuming careers, and this can impact your stress and happiness even when you’re not at work. Does this mean you should quit your high-profile job? Not necessarily. However, it may mean that you need to re-define your priorities and draw boundaries to keep your job from draining your happiness.

What can you do? Think about the things that make you feel the happiest. Is it spending time with your family? Going out with friends? Maybe it’s playing a round of golf or going for a run. Whatever it is, make sure you are making time to do those things at least a few times a week. Also, put down your phone! It is tempting to check your work email even when you’re off the clock, and some people are required to be available 24/7. However, decide that for an hour while you eat, while you spend quality time with someone who matters, or while you take some time for yourself, you put the phone away.

Finally, ask yourself: do I live to work or work to live?

Beat the New Year’s Resolution Blues

2/1/2019

by Rebecca Johnson Osei, PsyD, ABPP
Concirge Psychology

It’s a new year, which probably means you have made at least a few resolutions to do better, be better, or take better care of yourself. That’s great! You know the challenges you face: time, motivation, access, family, and the unpredictability of life. So how do you overcome those pesky challenges? By focusing on smaller steps. For example, if your goal is to workout 3 times per week, but right now you only work out once (or less) it will not be easy to suddenly triple that.

We tend to embrace the “go hard or go home” mentality when it comes to life changes. This sets us up for failure because it is not easy to make major changes and it takes time for them to stick. Creating new habits can be expected to take at least three weeks, if you enjoy them, and even months before they become so “routine” that you do them automatically. Those people who go to the gym every morning before work did not simply wake up one day and decide to start going daily. They built up to it, and it became routine, the same way your morning coffee stop may have become routine. So, how do we create healthy habits without failing and deciding to quit? Set small, accomplish-able goals. If the goal is to go to the gym three times a week, but right now you go once, start by adding one additional day. Perhaps make the goal going to the gym twice a week for the next month. If you a miss a couple days, that’ okay! Because every day you go beyond the 1 day each week you would normally have gone is an accomplishment! Once you have gone twice a week for an entire month, add on the third day. Most importantly: don’t see missing one day as a “failure.” Life happens. You are human. Give yourself a break and commend yourself for when you DO succeed.

Here are some tips for other common resolutions:

Dieting: Don’t expect yourself to be able to successfully change your diet overnight. Break it down into achievable goals. For example: decide to only eat out 3 times a week if you were doing 5. Once you’ve done that successfully for a few week, cut down to 2 days, then 1. Counting calories? Calorie deprivation can give you brain fog, which feels horrible and does not help you accomplish anything else! Cut down gradually, losing 50-100 calories off your diet at a time (and make sure you have a doctor’s supervision before making any major dietary changes).

Self-care: Deciding to put yourself first? Great! But you can’t just stop caring about others – you aren’t wired that way! Set aside a reasonable amount of time for yourself every week to focus on “you” and also accept that if someone calls you with an “emergency” you are going to go to them. This isn’t a failure - simply reschedule your “me time” for another day that week! Just don’t let yourself put it off too long.

Volunteering: Giving back has been shown to have tremendous mental health benefits – if you actually follow through. Time and convenience are probably the biggest challenges for this resolution. Break this one down by setting small goals. For example: Step one might be to spend January FINDING a charity you’re comfortable with. Step two is to decide what kind of time and work you are comfortable donating. Most people probably can’t realistically donate more than one day/weekend per month to start, and might even choose to only volunteer during major fund raisers, which might only occur once or twice per year. Any work you can donate from home (calling donors, helping with their website, etc) might also be a good way to break into volunteering. Just make sure you keep your commitments manageable and realistic. They will be grateful for anything you can give.

Drinking less: Another common resolution is to drink less alcohol. This one might seem simple, but can be very difficult because drinking is both habitual, meaning you get used to doing it and do it almost automatically, and social. Where people fall short is at social outings with friends, where they are accustomed to drinking. It is hard to say “no” because you enjoy it and it is “just what you do” when you are out. Part of the habit is the physical lifting of a glass or bottle to your mouth. To help with this, make sure you order something else to drink (non-alcoholic) to help trick your brain into thinking you are still partaking in your normal routine. Also, bynot ordering (or re-ordering) right away, thus delaying your gratification, you can decrease how much you drink overall. Let yourself sit without a drink for a few minutes. This may feel uncomfortable and unusual, but the more you do it the more comfortable you will become with not having a drink in front of you. Of course, if you really feel you CAN’T stop drinking, you might want to seek professional help.

The take home message here is to break your resolution into small, accomplish-able goals. Each goal you reach is a milestone and gets you one step closer to your true goal. Also, expect some set-backs. They are normal, expected, and somewhat predictable. Give yourself a break, and just try again tomorrow. ANY progress is still progress – be nice to yourself! After all, change is hard.

Beating the Winter Blues

11/15/2018

by Rebecca Johnson Osei, PsyD, ABPP
Concierge Psychology

Depression is a frequently referenced, but largely misunderstood phenomenon. Sadness, on the other hand, is something we are all very familiar with. So how do we keep sadness from becoming depression? And what if it already has?

Clinical Depression can only be diagnosed by a psychologist or medical doctor, and often is aided by pharmaceuticals. However, there are steps you can take now to help stop or ease feelings of depression, without drugs. The difficulty with depression is that it is all-encompassing. The more down you feel, the more negative your perception of life becomes. When you feel depressed, things that you might not typically be bothered by may become focal points (disagreements with coworkers or your spouse, frustration while driving). Meanwhile, the positive things begin to be overlooked.

We tend to also focus on what is most negative about ourselves. Any body image issues are magnified, as are any self-doubts. When we make a mistake, we label ourselves as “stupid” or “an idiot” or worse. Usually, we start to feel that nothing is going right, or will ever go right again. So, here are some preliminary steps you can take to try to stop the downward spiral:

Do Something – ANYTHING!

When we feel down we tend to lose our motivation to do anything, outside of sitting on the couch or lying in bed. Physical activity releases happy hormones in your brain and helps you to feel more energized and happy. If what you choose to do includes sunshine and a decent dose of Vitamin D – all the better!

Smile

Smiling tricks our brain into believing we are happy. Go talk to someone about something positive. Say good morning to the people at the grocery store and smile at them! They will smile back and by the end of your trip you might notice you’re feeling a heck of a lot more positive.

Question

When you find yourself using “always” and “never” statements, this is a way of generalizing the negative. We also tend to catastrophize – identifying the worst possible outcome and assuming that will happen. When you catch yourself having these thoughts, look at the evidence. Do you “always” make that mistake? Has there ever been a single incident where that was not true? Are things guaranteed to go badly, or is there a possible alterative outcome?

Focus on the positive.

This may seem obvious, but it is one of the hardest (and most important) things to do when you are feeling down. There is almost always something going right in the world, but you have to put in the conscious effort to focus on the positive instead of the negative.

It is very easy to slide down the slippery slope of depression. Teaching ourselves to be positive again can be very much like returning to the gym after a long hiatus: you have to get used to working your happy muscle again. But just like most things in life, a little hard work can make all the difference! Of course, if you’re feeling overwhelmed by sadness or depression, speaking to a mental health professional can help you to get your mind back on the right track, and provide you with a supporter in your journey to finding a happier, healthier you.

*If you are having thoughts of harming yourself or others, please go to your local emergency room immediately. They will connect you with the help you need right away.

Running for the Hills: The UP Hill Battle

7/13/2018

by Rebecca Johnson Osei, PsyD, ABPP
Concierge Psychology

Ever feel like “giving up?” Have others told you to “stick it out?” Have you found yourself justifying your decision to leave a job, a relationship, or a living situation? Well, stop! In reality, “running away” is almost never the easy answer. Leaving the job you hate, under duress, without a replacement secured? I would like to meet the person that thinks that is the easy choice! Leaving a relationship that is unhealthy and makes you unhappy? Now you have to find a new residence, maybe change friends, perhaps break your own heart – how is “running away” the easy choice in that scenario?

The truth is, often times it is easier to stay in a negative situation than it is to leave. Leaving often means a lot of change and a lot of uncertainty, and that is scary! But staying can be not only emotionally unhealthy but physically unhealthy as well, with stress leading to high blood pressure, coronary issues, higher cortisol levels, and weight gain among other things.

Deciding whether to remain in a situation, or leave, is a difficult task and requires a person to weigh many pros and cons. Here is a list of things you might consider:

What are the possible benefits of staying (financial, emotional, physical)?
What are the costs of staying (financial, emotional, physical)?
What are the possible benefits of leaving?
What are the possible costs of leaving?
Is there anything else you can do to make the situation better (anything you might regret not doing after you leave)?

Most people have heard the saying “when one door closes, another opens.” Of course, you have that moment between the first closing and the second opening where you’re trapped in a dark room with no available exit. Is your current situation bleak enough to be worth standing in that dark room? If so, it might be time to close the door. Is your current situation stopping you from making positive changes and progress in your life (keeping other doors closed)? Then it might be time to close that door.

One other very important piece is ensuring that you have done everything that you feel you should have done to rectify the situation. In most instances you either cannot return after you’ve left (resigning from a position) or should not return (on/off relationships that do not change or grow), so it is important to be sure that you will not look back on your decision to leave and regret not having done something. Have you talked about the situation with the involved parties? Have you attempted to resolve any conflicts or disagreements? Without belittling yourself or compromising your own morals or ethics, is there anything else you can do to improve your situation to a point where it is not only bearable, but healthy? This may mean enlisting the services of a counselor, psychologist, mediator or coach. Friends and family can be great supports, but sometimes an unbiased/neutral and professional perspective is needed. Then, once you’ve decided how to proceed, you can inform your support network of what you intend to do, how you intend to do it, and why.

The most important thing to remember is that choosing to leave is NOT running away. In fact, staying in a negative situation is, for many people, the easier choice. Becoming comfortable with discomfort, functional in a dysfunctional system, deciding the devil you know is better than the devil you don’t: these are normal reactions, and play a large role in why people stay in unhealthy situations. At least you know what to expect, right (even if what you expect is for nothing to be predictable)? So when you’re so miserable at your job that you can barely get to work in the morning and your friend says “hey, at least it’s a paycheck. Don’t let them win by leaving,” or your significant other makes you cry every day but your sister says “hey, at least you have somewhere to live,” tell them: “No!” Tell them you are stronger than that and that you don’t need to take the abuse (emotional, physical, financial); you can take care of your own needs and you don’t ever need to let someone else make you miserable just to secure a paycheck or a roof over your head. Tell them you ARE running for the hills, that you know it won’t be easy, and that it will be all uphill, so they better grab their sneakers if they want to keep up!

Beating Test Anxiety

4/20/2018

by Rebecca Johnson Osei, PsyD, ABPP
Concierge Psychology

Whether you are in the midst of finals or already stressing about next semester’s exams (or perhaps a licensing or Board exam?). Here’s a video with some great tips (supported by psychology) on how to reduce test anxiety:

https://www.facebook.com/AsapSCIENCE/videos/1218260964971598/

Enjoy!

Why Concierge Psychology?

1/1/2018

by Rebecca Johnson Osei, PsyD
Concierge Psychology

To kick off our new blog, I wanted to start with a quick introduction to why I do what I do! I was moved to create a different type of therapy practice when I realized there are some pretty powerful people in our country who may not have access to vital psychotherapy services - and that is worrisome. I took that a bit further by creating a practice where I hope everyone will feel welcome and comfortable.