Ever feel like “giving up?”  Have others told you to “stick it out?” Have you found yourself justifying your decision to leave a job, a relationship, or a living situation?  Well, stop! In reality, “running away” is almost never the easy answer. Leaving the job you hate, under duress, without a replacement secured?  I would like to meet the person that thinks that is the easy choice! Leaving a relationship that is unhealthy and makes you unhappy? Now you have to find a new residence, maybe change friends, perhaps break your own heart – how is “running away” the easy choice in that scenario?  

The truth is, often times it is easier to stay in a negative situation than it is to leave. Leaving often means a lot of change and a lot of uncertainty, and that is scary! But staying can be not only emotionally unhealthy but physically unhealthy as well, with stress leading to high blood pressure, coronary issues, higher cortisol levels, and weight gain among other things.

Deciding whether to remain in a situation, or leave, is a difficult task and requires a person to weigh many pros and cons.  Here is a list of things you might consider:

1. What are the possible benefits of staying (financial, emotional, physical)?
2. What are the costs of staying (financial, emotional, physical)?
3. What are the possible benefits of leaving?
4. What are the possible costs of leaving?
5. Is there anything else you can do to make the situation better (anything you might regret not doing after you leave)?

Most people have heard the saying “when one door closes, another opens.”  Of course, you have that moment between the first closing and the second opening where you’re trapped in a dark room with no available exit.  Is your current situation bleak enough to be worth standing in that dark room? If so, it might be time to close the door. Is your current situation stopping you from making positive changes and progress in your life (keeping other doors closed)?  Then it might be time to close that door.

One other very important piece is ensuring that you have done everything that you feel you should have done to rectify the situation.  In most instances you either cannot return after you’ve left (resigning from a position) or should not return (on/off relationships that do not change or grow), so it is important to be sure that you will not look back on your decision to leave and regret not having done something.  Have you talked about the situation with the involved parties? Have you attempted to resolve any conflicts or disagreements? Without belittling yourself or compromising your own morals or ethics, is there anything else you can do to improve your situation to a point where it is not only bearable, but healthy?  This may mean enlisting the services of a counselor, psychologist, mediator or coach. Friends and family can be great supports, but sometimes an unbiased/neutral and professional perspective is needed. Then, once you’ve decided how to proceed, you can inform your support network of what you intend to do, how you intend to do it, and why.

The most important thing to remember is that choosing to leave is NOT running away.  In fact, staying in a negative situation is, for many people, the easier choice. Becoming comfortable with discomfort, functional in a dysfunctional system, deciding the devil you know is better than the devil you don’t: these are normal reactions, and play a large role in why people stay in unhealthy situations.  At least you know what to expect, right (even if what you expect is for nothing to be predictable)? So when you’re so miserable at your job that you can barely get to work in the morning and your friend says “hey, at least it’s a paycheck. Don’t let them win by leaving,” or your significant other makes you cry every day but your sister says “hey, at least you have somewhere to live,” tell them: “No!”  Tell them you are stronger than that and that you don’t need to take the abuse (emotional, physical, financial); you can take care of your own needs and you don’t ever need to let someone else make you miserable just to secure a paycheck or a roof over your head. Tell them you ARE running for the hills, that you know it won’t be easy, and that it will be all uphill, so they better grab their sneakers if they want to keep up!

Depression is a frequently referenced, but largely misunderstood phenomenon.  Sadness, on the other hand, is something we are all very familiar with.  So how do we keep sadness from becoming depression?  And what if it already has?

Clinical Depression can only be diagnosed by a psychologist or medical doctor, and often is aided by pharmaceuticals.  However, there are steps you can take now to help stop or ease feelings of depression, without drugs.  The difficulty with depression is that it is all-encompassing.  The more down you feel, the more negative your perception of life becomes.  When you feel depressed, things that you might not typically be bothered by may become focal points (disagreements with coworkers or your spouse, frustration while driving).  Meanwhile, the positive things begin to be overlooked.

We tend to also focus on what is most negative about ourselves. Any body image issues are magnified, as are any self-doubts.  When we make a mistake, we label ourselves as “stupid” or “an idiot” or worse.  Usually, we start to feel that nothing is going right, or will ever go right again.  So, here are some preliminary steps you can take to try to stop the downward spiral:
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• Do Something – ANYTHING! 

When we feel down we tend to lose our motivation to do anything, outside of sitting on the couch or lying in bed.  Physical activity releases happy hormones in your brain and helps you to feel more energized and happy.  If what you choose to do includes sunshine and a decent dose of Vitamin D – all the better!

• Smile

Smiling tricks our brain into believing we are happy.  Go talk to someone about something positive.  Say good morning to the people at the grocery store and smile at them!  They will smile back and by the end of your trip you might notice you’re feeling a heck of a lot more positive.

• Question

When you find yourself using “always” and “never” statements, this is a way of generalizing the negative.  We also tend to catastrophize – identifying the worst possible outcome and assuming that will happen.  When you catch yourself having these thoughts, look at the evidence.  Do you “always” make that mistake?  Has there ever been a single incident where that was not true?  Are things guaranteed to go badly, or is there a possible alterative outcome?

• Focus on the positive.

This may seem obvious, but it is one of the hardest (and most important) things to do when you are feeling down.  There is almost always something going right in the world, but you have to put in the conscious effort to focus on the positive instead of the negative.

It is very easy to slide down the slippery slope of depression.  Teaching ourselves to be positive again can be very much like returning to the gym after a long hiatus: you have to get used to working your happy muscle again.  But just like most things in life, a little hard work can make all the difference!  Of course, if you’re feeling overwhelmed by sadness or depression, speaking to a mental health professional can help you to get your mind back on the right track, and provide you with a supporter in your journey to finding a happier, healthier you.

*If you are having thoughts of harming yourself or others, please go to your local emergency room immediately.  They will connect you with the help you need right away.

Although most people have finished Fall finals, you may already be stressing about next semester’s exams (or perhaps a licensing or Board exam?). Here’s a video with some great tips (supported by psychology) on how to reduce test anxiety:

https://www.facebook.com/AsapSCIENCE/videos/1218260964971598/

Enjoy!

Why do you work hard?  To put food on the table?  To care for yourself or your family?  To keep the lights on?  Are there any other reasons? What about that nice pair of shoes you’ve been eyeing or that flat screen television?  Those who are lucky enough to earn enough to pay their bills and have some left over keep working and accumulating money – sometimes to build a safety net or nest egg, but often because we REALLY work to be able to earn the things that make us…happy?

You’ve heard the saying “money can’t buy happiness” and yet we keep trying to!  Why do we seem so determined to find a way to link materials and happiness?  Well, for one thing: that saying is wrong!  Money CAN buy happiness, to a point.  Research has found that increased funds also equals better/safer living conditions, improved health and healthcare, better nutrition and somewhat lower stress (less stress related to feeding, clothing, and keeping your family safe).  But that’s where the correlation stops.  Once our basic needs are met and we are relatively comfortable we no longer get happier as our bank accounts and pay checks get bigger. 

It turns out happiness does have a price.  Often, that price may actually mean working and making LESS.  People with high stress, high-demand jobs show higher levels of work-related stress compared to those with less consuming careers, and this can impact your stress and happiness even when you’re not at work.  Does this mean you should quit your high-profile job?  Not necessarily.  However, it may mean that you need to re-define your priorities and draw boundaries to keep your job from draining your happiness. 

What can you do?  Think about the things that make you feel the happiest.  Is it spending time with your family?  Going out with friends?  Maybe it’s playing a round of golf or going for a run.  Whatever it is, make sure you are making time to do those things at least a few times a week.  Also, put down your phone!  It is tempting to check your work email even when you’re off the clock, and some people are required to be available 24/7.   However, decide that for an hour while you eat, while you spend quality time with someone who matters, or while you take some time for yourself, you put the phone away.

Finally, ask yourself: do I live to work or work to live?

To kick off my new blog I wanted to start with a quick introduction to why I do what I do! I was moved to create a different type of therapy practice when I realized there are some pretty powerful people in our country who may not have access to vital psychotherapy services - and that is worrisome. I took that a bit further by creating a practice where I hope everyone will feel welcome and comfortable.